Lately, and I mean in the last few months I find myself in totally new mommy territory. And the more I examine this place, the less I know what I am doing. I seem to lose confidence in my original declarations the more I investigate my options.
What the heck am I talking about? Going back to work. SWEET! and then five minutes later: UGGGGGGHHHHH.
The problem is this. By three o'clock most days I am ready to jump off a bridge. OR shall I say I feel like I am getting pushed off a bridge. Unlike my dream it is not some scary faceless person pushing me, it is a 3 year old and a 5 year old. It is the whining. The crying. The fights. The tenth time my daughter has asked for a drink as she is blind to the NINE other drinks that are scattered around the house. Oh and the "I'm hungry!" Mommy. Mommy. Mommmmmmy! Mommy can't you hear me? Mommy why are you ignoring me!" Usually that exchange somehow devolves into something about my daughter's soul and my utter disregard for it. Or, out of the corner of my eye I see my son streak by (yes, naked once again). I ask for the current location of the clothes, find them in the bathroom soaking up a puddle of pee. Sorry Mommy. Missed potty. Thats okay Mommy.
Add this to my current job of being an online professor. Or maybe it isn't even that...maybe it is this magnetic pull I have to my computer. Not to be on fb or surf, but to work. I love to work. It feels good! I actually accomplish something! Accomplishment, it is such a wonderful word. It is a word that makes me feel like I actually matter. That everything I do isn't fruitless. Now you can say "Oh Sharon, of course everything you do matters! Blah blah blah" But really, it is tough to see that as you raise your kids. You are spending so much time laying foundation that you don't see a lot of measurable results. Measurable results, another word I LOVE.
So here I am faced with the idea of going back to work. My husband and I are in agreement on this. Going back to work would be a great opportunity to feel a sense of accomplishment. To have more ME existing in well, me. To get some space. To use my brain. To feel capable on a professional level. Oh can you imagine, a professional level. Sigh. That sounds wonderful.
And then I turn my head and see my three year old sitting in his playroom (currently across from my home office that lately hasn't been even coming close to its potential) playing so sweetly with a toy car. Singing and chatting to himself. Happy as a clam. Clothed, actually. He couldn't be in a better position, mommy nearby ready to hug, ready to kiss and generally insure he maintains happy clam status.
Introducing...exhausting, overwhelming mommy guilt. UGGGHHH.
The soundtrack of my brain is this: yes no back forth money kids work kids self kids happy sad freedom guilt. Sigh.
more on this topic to come...
This is a blog about ME. It is going to be indulgent, frustrated, stressed, ranty, funny, honest and hopefully interesting to someone other than myself. It is a way to express my longing to be a better everything: mom, wife, person, designer, friend, etc. Read on.
I think you hit the nail on the head...and I know exactly what you mean. (and by the way, Sharon, of course everything you do matters!)
ReplyDeleteFound you through Meg ... and yes! Totally can relate.
ReplyDelete"Found you through Meg... and yes! Totally can relate." A relief it is, indeed to learn I am not the only Mommy, battling the same monster.
ReplyDeleteLadies, thanks for the support. I am so happy you are reading it! Trying to be as honest as I can in this blog...it is really helping me articulate the things I am going through...which seems to help me go through them!
ReplyDeleteWow. Can so relate... but went back to work when each of mine were 6 months old. Happy to report that my youngest seems to maintain "happy clam" status without my intervention..think it just depends on the nature of the individual child. My eldest is more high maintenance-- always has been.
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