Today is the day before. The day before my little elf of a girl gets on a big yellow bus and goes off to kindergarten. Sigh. The theme of this blog seems to be that of everlasting conflict, and this situation fits as well as any. She is just a baby! Or she was, just a second ago...
So how do I let her get on the bus, and pretend that I am doing fine? I swear it was just yesterday that I would cradle her in my arms and she would stare up at me with those deep blue eyes, looking into my very soul. She is such a challenge one moment and blows me away with her thoughts in the next. The other day she told me "Mom I love you more than all of the stars in the sky." I cried.
Her latest philosophical rant has been to convince Holden that the Holy Ghost aka Holy Spirit lives in your heart. Unfortunately Holden does not want ghosts in his heart and was very upset by this idea. An argument ensued that went something like this: but it is a good ghost, it is God's holy ghost. NO GHOSTS IN HEART. NOT WANT GHOSTS IN HEART! Ella, please, Holden doesn't understand what you mean. But mom it is a good ghost, it is a ghost from heaven. At this point, Holden begins to cry and Ella rolls her eyes, I mean why not, she is five years old...
So now I seem to be handing her off to the universe, asking other people to take care of her and love her, at least from 8:50am until 4:30pm M-F. How do I put my faith in these people who are so wholly unfamiliar with her? How do I trust that nobody will hurt her? That they will see how wonderful and talented and amazing she is...does any parent know how to do this?
Or do they sit where I sit, thinking to themselves that if she gets bullied by anyone I will cause them physical harm, if anyone is unfairly cross with her they will find me at their doorstep with a bat...are these irrational thoughts? Right now they feel pretty rational...am I just being an over protective mother bear?
I do have to admit I am mildly excited that she will be asking someone other than myself to play Thumballina. Not because I am tired of playing, but she always scripts my lines for me and I am looking for just a little more freedom in my creative play. This could indicate that I don't have to worry about her being bullied...
Ahhhhh. Motherhood. It just might break me.
This is a blog about ME. It is going to be indulgent, frustrated, stressed, ranty, funny, honest and hopefully interesting to someone other than myself. It is a way to express my longing to be a better everything: mom, wife, person, designer, friend, etc. Read on.
