Quack. Quack.

25/35
Over the last few months my darling husband and I have been working on/questioning/exploring our ideas for the next few years of our lives. You know, the plan. The family goals.

Sounds reasonable enough. Too bad it has left me gripping the door frame for my life. White knuckled panic. WHY? I am not that person! I love change, I am here I am there, I move all the time, I mean I am open to new experiences, I am all over it!

Reality check time. I don't seem to be that person anymore.

That free spirited bedouin is twenty-five year old Sharon, not thirty-five year old Sharon. (see above picture) What happened to her? I mean, one minute I am living in NYC doing freelance design at Loreal, Macys, Avon, you name it. If I didn't like a job, I left it. I found another one. I never worried about that. I just assumed I would land on my feet and I usually did. Now: UGH. Now when anyone mentions the future I cringe. How did I get so comfortable? So complacent? When did I decide I didn't want to be uncomfortable? I mean a bit of discomfort isn't such a bad thing. In fact it tends to engender growth. Or at least that is what I've read.

On the other hand, tucking in, is that such a bad thing? I have been happy in that space, like a mother duck waddling around with her ducklings. Going here and there but never too far.

Turns out you can't really stay in the nest like that for too long. You start to not be able to see outside of your square footage, or not see YOURSELF outside of that cozy abode. Instead you shrink back and convince yourself that this is just fine, and it is fine, I guess, but is that enough? I don't know. I have spent quite a bit of time lately chewing on just that. HOW did I go from that fun freewheeling Sharon to this cautious, more fearful and protective Sharon.

I suspect that 5 (Ella) and 3 (Holden) have had something to do with it. It has been a great ride, and one that old Sharon couldn't do nearly as well as current Sharon. And I couldn't have asked for better, holding on to my babies, having everything we needed – no pressure to do anything but love them up.

Okay, so now what. Something has to change, I know that. If only I was a man! Wouldn't this be easier?! The expectation would be that I would just go to work and the rest would take care of itself! (sorry men, but that is the way it seems to me!) Nobody would think I would do anything else. They would encourage me to go! Not that anyone is encouraging me NOT to go to work...but I was just kind of on a roll right there and it sounded good.

I recall hearing a co-worker say, after a tough weekend at home with his two kids, "I just wish I had my wife back." Now this was six or seven years ago. BEFORE I became that kind of wife.
where did she go?
coworker: Oh she is in there, somewhere. Since we have had our kids though, she is mostly unrecognizable.
what do you mean?
coworker: she just isn't the same. she is frazzled from the kids, covered in their mess, too tired to do much outside of taking care of them. I just miss the woman I married. She was wonderful and creative, she had a spark, she was full of life.
oh. that is very sad. (I actually remember saying that, and thinking that!) I hope she comes back soon.
coworker: me too.

SO wife becomes unrecognizable to husband. She has turned into the waddling duck, with ducklings in tow, never moving far from the nest. Cautious, careful and protective.

UGH! I have got to get back to work on THIS duck.