Raising kids is very similar to working with a mental case.

Disclaimer: Now don't get me wrong, this post is not meant to offend anyone who has mental illness. I am keenly aware of the reality of it, so please don't take this the wrong way. It is just one of my ways of rationalizing the extreme difficulty of raising small children. My extreme difficulty that is.

Lets examine a few of the regular behaviors of my kids. You may be lucky, your kids may not be like this. You may not have kids. You may have been blessed with an angel baby who grew into a wonderful, temperate angel child. (Unfortunately this means we really can't be friends as I cannot in anyway relate to your experiences. Also, if you are really good at running we may not be able to be friends either. Sorry.)

screaming. crying. random outbursts (just last night my son after seeing a mast of the ship at the playground decided to yell at the top of his lungs "JESUS DIED ON THAT CROSS. JEEESSSUUUSSS DIIIIIEEEDDD!" Yeah. Enough said.

Uncontrolled bursts of emotion. See above as Holden actually sang the last part of that little number.

Muscle spasms and loss of muscle control. Take said daughter. After a fun evening playdate she has had just enough of her brother. She pushes him into the corner of a table. He cries loudly (it hurt!). I scold and place her in time out. She collapses into a heap on the step. She starts crying uncontrollably. She is able to articulate through her crying this little tidbit:  YOU ARE THROWING ME IN THE GARBAGE! IT IS LIKE I AM A PIECE OF TRASH! (Keep in mind this child is four.) Ella, you are in time out. I am not throwing you in the garbage! IT IS LIKE I DON'T HAVE A FAMILY ANYMORE AND I AM IN THE GARBAGE. (oh brother!) Ella, please honey. You are even in a short time out, just two minutes. You are fine. You just can't push your brother, that hurt him. OOOOHHHH, I AM NOTHING! (I didn't even know it was possible for a four year old to react this way, and by the way who calls her nothing! Nobody in this house! Where does she get this!) Up to bed and the child is still sobbing – you know those gasping sobs that make you feel like the worst mother in the world when all you were trying to do was teach her not to push her brother! I mean really!

exhale.

Okay, back to the thesis.

unexplained nudity. My son is three. He has officially been in the naked phase for three years now. Does three years count as a phase? Seems a bit long, actually...take this for example:

Holden walks by me without pants. I ask, where are your pants? He says to me "my underwear stinks." I say, like any normal person, they do? (knowing very well that I have only put these underwear on him in the last twenty minutes.) he says, "yeah, they are yucky." well lets get you some new underwear. He looks at me and shouts NO! and runs. Probably to go out to the back deck and pee off of it.

See! I am right, aren't I?