Early morning workout. Turn on tv, put in dvd. Wait for husband to come down. Sit down at computer to check fb. Mistake. BIG mistake. I see is some beautiful photography from a dear friend of mine from grad school. Love this girl. Read on to see she has spent the week away taking an advanced software class. Pictures are stunning. She is stunning. Disclaimer: Friend has three beautiful children. She has somehow successfully managed to balance children and successful career. And remember this is about me. Me me me. Back to my rant.
Suddenly, it as if someone has poured gasoline on me and lit a match. I am up in flames, consumed with what I haven't done. What I haven't accomplished. I want to be there. I want to be ten years into this career. I want to be working somewhere that values what I do, and lets me know it. I want to be away for a week learning more about my craft. I want, I want, I want. Sigh.
I am crushed. Whatever has set me on fire has now doused me with water. Or what I wish was water. Instead it feels more like paint. Sure it puts out the fire, but it covers me and leaves a sticky mess behind. It isn't just washing away letting me to dry. Instead it sits on me like a coat.
Suddenly the choices that I felt were so right, are just not feeling so right.
Sure it could be a momentary lapse of reason, and I am sure I will recover but for that minute I feel awful. I feel tragic. (As you know by now, I tend toward the dramatic.) I try to tell myself to see previous post where I state that I have been happy as a clam raising happy clams, or was I a duck? Whichever. Unfortunately I am unable to read – call it temporary blindness to reason.
When my kids were babies, if you had told me to go to work, to put down that baby and get myself out that door, I would have told you to take a hike. (Probably not so nicely, either.) No way. I was staying HOME. No part time, nothing like that. That baby was mine and I was raising it as close to me as possible. I wanted Carte_blanche. As much love as I could give, 24/7. And I got it, and that was a true gift. I still thank my husband that he wanted that for me too, and wanted that for our kids. He never made me feel that what I was doing wasn't the right thing. No time lines, no ultimatums, just when you are ready, then go. When I look back on that I can't think of anything better, we were in a love bubble.
So what is wrong with me? Why does that offering, made with the most true love possible, now make me feel so behind the power curve? Why do I feel frustrated with the choices I made? They were good choices, I am sure of it.
WHY is it so challenging to be a woman. To have to straddle the line of biological/hormonal drive and professional/personal satisfaction. WHY can't I be like my mom, she was and I quote "I was exactly where I wanted to be. Home with my four kids everyday. Crafts, baking, playing, you name it, we did it." She didn't want anything else until that fourth one was comfortably into school. And since that fourth one is ten years younger than me it follows that I had a stay at home mom until I was almost done with high school.
What or who created this monster? Was it my parents, encouraging me to be an independent, successful female? That sounds reasonable enough. Now mix that up with wanting to get married and wanting to have babies. (Or dare I say, needing to. Having babies was just what I was going to do, no second thought to it.) Okay, okay, so the choices I made were direct reflections of the things I WANTED. I GET IT. I carved this path and have the calluses to show it.
So now, here I am. I understand how I got here.
Now what do I do?
Shawn was telling me about this lady in his class who he talks to a lot and they work on projects together, and he was saying how she has an au pair....no wait, maybe he said awesome pair...anyway, my point was something about a nanny. Someone who could wear one of your many hats. Oh, and ask Shawn about the callouses, he had them really bad from his teens to his early twenties...
ReplyDeleteSigh. It can be very hard to watch what seems to be the world pass you by. People who have something like a pay check or a finished project they can point to and say, "See this? Of course I work all the time! And I'm good at it too!" Our kids are about the same ages, right? I get this feeling alot right now too. Not quite able to leave them completely behind, but there isn't a baby anymore either. I totally get what you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteAngela, thanks so much for your response. I am happy to know I am not the only one who is in this trench.
ReplyDeletePitt...you are nuts!
Okay, Mom has to comment on this one. First, everybody is unique. That means I'm different than the next person, even in my own family! Our temperaments are nature given, and they lead to our personality development along with the nurture part of life. I was a little girl who played with baby dolls every day. All I wanted was a baby sister when I was older, and since my mom wouldn't cooperate, I settled for wanting babies of my own.
ReplyDeleteI was born with a creative streak in me. I can create off the top of my head in a second's time. Show me a situation where there's a little chaos and I will create a structure and event to put everyone into some form of order...that's how I was able to have four kids in ten years. I loved it and cherished the nurturing part of it.
So, I know what I am. Everyone seeks that answer - who am I? - and time is a component of the answer. When I knew my last baby was my last baby, which was the day he was born (weighing 10 lbs 13 oz)I went toward my second passion - teaching. I was cool to be at home till the baby was 8.
Not everyone has that same agenda. So, what? What if you don't? Does that make you any less of a mom? NO, especially if you passionately love your children and make them know how valuable they are as human beings to you and the world around them.
YOU- who are an amazing mom, Sharon, will find that your path is there, you need to seek it with patience and God. He will direct you to your right place with a family and a career. Remember, when the ball rolls, you are on the right path. When bump, bump, bump is in the road, change directions.
I adore you.
Mom