Gardening, what fun!

Exhausted. Well, that was the reason I was unable to post yesterday. I thought about writing all day, composing the article in my head, and laughing at how funny it was. In my head, anyway.

Instead, I spent the day gardening. Yes, I said it. I garden-ed. Is that a word? And no, this blog has not been the victim of a hostile takeover. I GARDEN-ed.

AND, it turns out, funny enough, that you CANNOT pretend that you don't have a yard, for like two or maybe even three years. NOT a good idea. Because, quite a few things happen.

1. your yard looks like a scene from the movie Jurassic Park. Sure we mow the grass, but it is the bushes that really start to scare you.

2. your plants NEED you. Yes, they need you. Because it isn't enough that you have had two babies within two years (23 months and one week to be exact) and that you are doing everything you can to SURVIVE them. That you are attempting to preserve your own sanity and the heath and welfare of your children and that of your husband. That you might want to have some professional life left and try to cultivate some freelance work. AND, that your husband travels and goes to graduate school so even when he is within your home state, he is at school. BUT NO, that is not enough, you must get out there and take care of your plants.

3. When you do finally revisit that yard,  resentment in hand, you are likely to angrily chop (notice I do not say trim) at the bushes all the while yelling things like this: HOW IS THAT FOR YA? HUH? TAKE THAT! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? Doing this, is problematic in a few different ways.
A. you realize that you have some unresolved anger issues.
B. You are forced to ask yourself: is this truly about the bushes?
C. Your neighbors think you are crazy and this behavior only confirms it.
D. Your husband knows you are crazy and doesn't want the neighbors to SEE it.
E. There is little to no bush left, and really, there is no going back.

4. The longer you let the bushes go, the larger they get, the harder it is to cut them back. It follows that it would take you all day to do even a few of them.

5. As you chop, sorry, trim them you notice that many of them are unwell. (see point #1) They have black dusty yucky stuff on them, some have white powdery stuff on them. It is gross, and I suspect not great to inhale while you are in a flurry of trimming. And, you feel bad, in a motherly way that you have neglected these plants. Even the ones you HATE. (see point #6)

6. What once was tiny little thorns you are now facing BLADES OF TORTURE on these bushes. I mean really. Can someone PLEASE explain to me why every plant that we have, minus one or two IS COVERED IN PRICKERS?? Someone must know the answer to this because I gotta tell you I am pretty TICKED OFF about it. I am covered in scratches and have had to pull like SEVEN splinters in the last 24 hours. I mean really.

7. Your children. Yes, there they are. You didn't think that you were going to get away with gardening without their involvement? It is just too much fun to watch mommy on her knees trying to pull dinosaur era grasses out of the one-time flower beds without HELPING her. Best to use small plastic shovels and throw dirt at her while she is doing it. And then say "what mom?" when in the heat of frustration, and covered in dirt, she shouts your name.

8. You trim, trim, trim, finally letting go of the anger. You stop thinking about the choices that have led you to this minute (not only those involving ignoring the yard), look around and realize you have tremendous piles of plant refuse all over your yard. Picking them up and moving them is DEADLY as the knife sharp prickers are glinting in the sun. You will need a full body hazmat suit to protect you from them.

9. You are now covered in not only scratches but twenty-seven mosquito bites. Should be fun scratching those.

10. You have little to no strength left in your forearms. Or just none, actually. And this limits you in every respect from picking up your child to lifting your fork. It really shows you that you need to get to the gym and work on that upper body. Like as soon as you are able to turn the key in the ignition of your car.

Which brings us right back to the initial point. Gardening to upper body exhaustion = blog fail!