Hi Mom

Mom,

I haven't talked to you in three weeks and one day. That's the longest ever. It's so long, and yet it will only get longer.

I think about you all day long. Mostly, I am incredulous that you are gone. I honestly just can't believe it. How could you be gone? You've always been here, how could you have just gone? I spend a lot of my time thinking about that. About how I can't be sure I can reasonably be expected to live the rest of my life without you. It feels grossly unfair, and very heavy on my heart.

The last 19 days have been very hard for everyone. There is this colossal hole in our family. Nobody really knows what to do. We just keep scratching our heads and wondering how things have changed so much in such a short time. And we go about our days with some part of us missing.

For me every emotion is amplified. That makes it harder to do anything, everything. I feel like an open wound.

I have a cold. I am exhausted. I cry a lot. Everyone has kind words for me, and I am grateful, but I still feel terrible.

What would you say to me if we could talk this over?

Me: I miss you Mom, I miss you terribly.
You: I know honey. It's okay to miss me.
Me: I feel like you left so quick.
You: I did! Once they told me I could go, I couldn't wait!
Me: But...
You: No buts! You, my darling, know how much I love you. Your siblings, and your dad know how much I love them. It was time for me to shed this broken body and transcend to a new life. It was time for me to become a celestial being, your own star, your own angel. It was time for me to walk with Jesus. My time on earth was over.
Me: But I wasn't ready!
You: That's okay. You still have me! I am still with you! I put my heart and soul into you every day that I was blessed to be your mom. I cherished every moment, every hug and kiss, every tear I wiped away, all of it. You and your siblings are my life's work! You are my legacy! You are my miracles.
Me: I miss you. I don't know if I said everything! I don't know if I gave you enough hugs, enough credit, enough love!
You: How could you doubt?! Your love for me, and the love of your siblings, and your dad, that was what lit the path I walked as I left that hospital room. And as I looked back I knew I had settled all my accounts - each one of you knew how much I loved you - and I knew how you loved me. We cherished each other, you know that! I know you know that!
Me: I know.
You: So now you have to accept, and that is hard to do, that my love for you has gone from a physical expression to one that is in the air around you, in the sun's rays warming your face, in the embrace of your siblings, in the love of your dad. It's there any time you need it - you just have to allow for that change. And once you do, you will feel the full expression of my love. One without any limitations! Imagine that! I know this is so so hard. My darling, I know you miss me. Our lives have been knitted together since before you were born - of course this is hard! A transition like this takes time, and patience, and tears, and it changes everything. I know you can't touch me, or hug me, but we have shared a thousand hugs at least, and those will sustain you, I promise. Have faith, and I promise you will feel me.
Me: I feel so very sad Mom.
You: I know honey, I know. This is not easy.
Me: I love you
You: I love you too! I always have, I always will. Listen for my voice - it is one of love and self acceptance. It is one of kindness and courage. It is one of softness and light.
Me: I will try.
You: I know honey, I know.