Please stop talking crazy massage lady. Or, is this really happening?

I prefer to be compared to Dr. Jean Grey, thank you very much. 

"You're in Wonderwoman Mode."

I open one eye. Is this lady for real? She says this with a laugh in her voice.

“You are racing around. You are chasing your kids, chasing your husband, watching your weight, you are in the keeping up with the Joneses stage.”

Maybe I should back up.

This is coming from the woman giving me my thirty minute shoulder massage at the chiropractor that I visited this morning.

Maybe I should back up even more.

I don’t like being chatty during a massage. I don’t know if it is because I never think there is something interesting enough to say, or that I like to let my mind wander, or that I like to even doze a little. I want to enjoy the massage experience. I don’t like to talk about the weather, or really any other small talk. And, I do NOT like to have conversations like THAT. Most massage therapists are great and pick up on that. ACTUALLY EVERYONE I HAVE EVER BEEN TO MINUS THIS ONE.

It gets better.

“I know you are always wondering if Mrs. Jones looks better than you. Well, she doesn’t. “

Oh my God, please shut up.

Wait. Did this lady read my blog about turning forty - is that why she is bringing this up? OR, WORSE. She is looking at me and can tell I am spending way too much time doing EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID. Is it written all over me? I mean I am tired from a sick Crossfit 1607 (shameless plug) workout yesterday, but I didn’t think it was that obvious! Couldn’t be that, it has to be the dark circles that have taken up permanent residency around my eyes. That must be what set this lady off. No thanks to the shit ton of money I spend on moisturizer and makeup to PREVENT EXACTLY THESE KINDS OF CONVERSATIONS. Did I say something to start this? Unlikely based on my reluctance to say anything during a massage. Does she start all massages this way? And on the off chance that I want to TALK ABOUT THIS, I don't want to talk about it with strangers during a massage.

So she goes on:

“Well, one day you will grow out of it.” She laughs. She thinks this whole thing is really very funny. A very been there done that funny.

“Someday you won’t care.”

Sigh. Should I be laughing with her? Or offer up a sort of half laugh of acknowledgment? Or say, guilty as charged! Or maybe I should just have said:

You know (insert name here) you are SO right. What am I thinking! This conversation, despite being incredibly awkward - as I am getting a massage and under this blanket I am not wearing a shirt, has really opened my eyes to all of this silliness. Thank you, thank you so much. Such a huge help.

But I wouldn’t do that. If I did that, there would be no need for this blog. And, I wouldn’t be me. Instead I just think...oh just be quiet and she will go away. SO it gets quiet for a few minutes, or maybe it isn’t really quiet, she is kind of just talking under her breath a little bit - probably about my poor choices.

Until...

“Well that’s a whole-nother ball of wax right there.”

Wait. Where? What is she talking about? She doesn’t say. Instead she says something I still don’t understand.

“You like to work out buff, huh?”

What? Was that even English? Is she looking for a response? Did I even hear her right? Maybe she was saying I am a workout buff? What do I say now?

Well no need. She finishes the shoulder massage. Tells me to drink water. Assures me that was the quickest half hour of my life and then she is gone. I laugh, collect my things, and pray that this woman is not scheduled to work this coming Tuesday.