Did I mention I turned forty?

My 40th surprise party. :)

Forty. I turned around and there it was. 
I'm not thrilled. 

So what is wrong with forty? Well, besides the obvious? I'll make a Top 5 list. 

1. It's old. It feels old.
Especially compared to younger people. Even saying "younger people" proves my point. (What's next? I start saying things like "when I was young there was no internet!" Or, I bust out a joke about the brick cell phone...and nobody laughs because they are all younger people.) Aah, younger people...they always seem less tired than me. 

2. My own personal trainer/motivator appears to be on a coffee break - an extended one.
You know who I mean, that internal voice that for so long has told you "Go to the gym! Get out of bed and get there! Hey, do two classes! Don't eat that! Five more crunches! Run faster!" Well, somewhere along the way she stopped being so pushy. She doesn't seem to mind when I don't workout. And she really seems to like carbohydrates - not always the complex ones, either. 

3. You're supposed to know better.  
Example: No more drinking your face off because when you do it takes you two days to recover. Okay, more relevant to me: you can't have three drinks in the course of one night because it takes you two days to recover. Alright, alright, maybe it's just one drink. 

4. Other people around you are getting old.
Or older. And some of them are sick. And somehow you are supposed to be old enough now to handle that. 

5. Finally this.
I do this thing now where when someone is X years old and then I calculate that I have only so many years till I AM THAT OLD. So first, I am doing a lot of excess math during my day. I don't love that. Second, those numbers trouble me...what will I actually be like when I am X years old? I mean besides OLD. But then I usually say to myself, when I am that old, this $hit better not bother me.  

I did ask Ella, who is sitting next to me: What do you think the worst thing about turning 40 is? She says, nothing is. I mean except you are only 60 years from being 100. That is probably the worst thing. And why are you blogging about turning 40? You should have blogged about that a year ago. She makes a good point about that. Forty one is less than a month away.

Soon I can't even use this keychain!

ps. I admit to not always embracing the lighter side of turning forty. I have had a tough time getting my arms around it - just ask my poor husband. What exactly about this milestone bothers me? Well, for one thing, I can't help thinking fifty is like right there. If the next nine years go as fast as the last did, anyway. What will I be like when I am fifty?! And I thought forty was old. 

Wasn't I just an art student in NYC, stomping around Manhattan? Oh right, that was twenty years ago. Maybe it is the way that time goes so fast that it steals memories and moments from you when you are not looking. Or maybe it is feeling like part of me still wants to be young and carefree and wants to take chances. Maybe.

I realize that much of this is just in my head, and I see women around me aging gracefully (ack, I hate that term) and blah blah blah they seem to be handling it quite well - like they don't mind at all. Well, maybe they are, maybe they aren't. I also realize that with age comes certain gifts, new ways of understanding. And I know I am truly fortunate in my life - that hasn't been forgotten despite my ranting. But inside I want to fight getting older. But then I don't. But then I do. This is definitely a battle for me that you, lucky reader are going to be able to witness. Okay that could mean just my mom and Shawn. And Katie. No matter, tuck in guys. :)